


Synapses Firing

by breatherepeat



Series: Human [2]
Category: Bastille
Genre: Anxiety, Developing Relationship, Fluid Sexuality, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Content, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-01-23 21:07:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21326698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: Back in London, the change in relationship poses some concerns that Dan and Kyle need to work through. Set among a break focused on writing and producing the second album.
Relationships: Kyle Simmons/Dan Smith
Series: Human [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1537648
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

"Hiya, Kyle!" Dan's flatmate, Joey, greeted Kyle at the door to the flat share. Opening the door further, Joey stepped back and offered Kyle entrance. "Dan didn't say you were coming 'round."

"I didn't exactly tell him." Kyle smiled looking around the common area. There was no sign of Dan. "He here?"

"I think so." Joey walked back to the sofa he was sitting on and reading from as evidenced by the book next to him. "He has been pretty quiet. Forgot he was home really. We got used to him being away for so long."

"You don't see him?" Kyle followed Joey yet stayed stood.

"Not really. The first week he was out and hanging with us, then he said he needed to write and he disappeared on us. If it wasn't for the music coming from the room every now and then, we would have thought he was spending all his time in the studio. And the crumbs on the kitchen counter in the morning. Think he turned nocturnal."

"I'm going to see if he is in. Nice seeing you again." Kyle nodded to Joey and went to find Dan's room. He had been there a few times, but not in a long while. Knocking on the door he was sure was Dan's, Kyle didn't get a response.

Kyle didn't know if it was crossing boundaries, but he opened the door and peeked inside. There he found Dan lying on his bed with a laptop resting on his chest and headphones on. His eyes were closed and he appeared to be asleep.

He looked exhausted, with dark circles underneath his eyes and a full beard. His hair was a mess in every direction and it reminded Kyle of when Dan first started growing out his hair in its chaos.

"Jesus, fuck!" Dan shouted as Kyle nudged his shoulder and Dan opened his eyes to see Kyle hovering over him. He sat up knocking the laptop down onto the bed and pushed the headphones down so that they rested around his neck. "Don't do that!"

"Sorry." Kyle felt bad that he had startled him but it was needed. "Don't ignore my texts for three weeks and then I wouldn't have to do that."

"I've been busy." Dan shut the laptop, ending the film that was playing on it and brushed his hands through his hair. He was a mess and he had not bathed in a few days. He told everyone that he was writing and producing music, but for the past two weeks he has been held up in his room ignoring everything.

"I can see that." Kyle sat on the edge of the bed and rested his hand on Dan's leg. "You don't look well."

"I'm fine." Dan took off the headphones and tossed them so they landed on top of the computer. Looking toward his hands, Dan kept his eyes down and waited for Kyle to say something. "Why are you here?"

"Am I not allowed to be here?" Kyle ran his hand up his leg and found that it seemed to make Dan even more uncomfortable so he removed it. "I thought I was going to see you the other night at Ralph's thing. What happened?"

"Didn't want to go." Dan shrugged and started fidgeting with his fingers. "Too many questions. I just couldn't make myself answer them."

"Okay." Kyle looked around the room and saw that it was a bit of a mess. "You been hiding in here? Joey said he never sees you."

Dan shrugged his shoulders again. He didn't want to answer because it sounded worse than it was. He just wanted time away from everyone and he had been staying in his room more. He went out at night when everyone was asleep and made toast, but otherwise the position he was in was what he had been spending his time doing. Every now and then he would flush out an idea for a song, but that was harder now as well.

"Can I see your hands?" Kyle asked looking down toward them. Dan was acting unusual and he wanted to make sure he wasn't digging into his hands again.

Dan opened his hands and turned them palm up so Kyle could see them. There wasn't evidence that he was digging his nails into his palms, with the past sores healed. "I'm fine."

"Okay." Kyle started massaging Dan's hands and stopped as Dan tensed his whole body. "What is that?"

"What?" Dan took his hands back and wrapped them around his waist. He knew that Kyle was referring to but he didn't want to talk about it. He wasn't sure he even knew what he wanted to say. He had been avoiding Kyle, but he had been avoiding everyone.

"Do you not want me here?" Kyle voice shook a bit. He had been missing Dan and worried that he wasn't talking to him. He knew they all liked to have space from each other in between touring but he thought it would be different with them. "Am I just a massive idiot that is not taking the hint?"

"No." Dan shook his head. "You are not a massive idiot."

"Do you want me to go?" Kyle voice was still shaky and he hated it. "Was it just a 'I almost died one off?'"

Dan didn't say anything and Kyle stood at the non-answer.

"Okay than. Go back to...whatever this is." Kyle walked toward the door but was stopped by Dan's hand on his arm before he could open it. "What?"

"It's gone." Dan lowered his hand seeing that Kyle was staying. Looking toward the floor, Dan wished he had known Kyle was going to be here. He would have showered and changed his clothes. Brushed his teeth. "Please don't go. Let me shower and get dressed."

Kyle was waiting in Dan's room when he returned. He had changed the bed sheets while he was gone and Dan blushed seeing that Kyle had cleaned up a bit as well.

"Thank you." Dan said shyly as he sat down on the bed next to Kyle. Leaning his wet head down on Kyle's shoulder, Dan confessed. "I'm not exactly fine. Not really."

"You said it is gone? What is gone?" Kyle moved his arm from resting in his lap to wrapped around Dan's waist. Dan had put on a fresh t shirt and a zip up sweatshirt. Kyle's hand was over the shirt but underneath the sweatshirt.

"All the ideas." Dan closed his eyes and sighed. Why had he been denying himself this? His head felt lighter just by them sitting like this. "All gone. There is not going to be a second album."

"Rubbish." Kyle laughed and kissed the top of Dan's forehead. "You just need a break."

"Nope." Dan shook his head and relaxed himself onto Kyle more. "I tried and it is just like it is gone."

"Have you been sleeping?" Kyle kissed him again and tightened his arm around his waist.

"A bit." Looking for his clock, Dan found it was around three in the afternoon. "Normally fall asleep around this time for a bit and then later at night until I wake up and go into the kitchen. Sneak some food and then back here."

"Did you see your parents?" Kyle moved them back so he was lying on his back and pulled Dan to lie on top of him. It reminded them both of their time in the hotel and, like muscle memory, it appeared to calm them both.

"Yes. She is upset with me but she is doing well." Dan reached for his blanket and put it over the both of them before pressing his head back into the spot on Kyle's neck. "Did you?"

"Yes." Kyle snuggled in closer himself and breathed in the new scents around him. Dan had a different laundry soap than his own and it was nice. "Mum cried when I told her that we are together."

"She is cute." Dan closed his eyes and evened his breathing, he could sleep. "Can we not talk right now?"

"Sleep." Kyle closed his own eyes and moved so he was closer to Dan's head. It was still wet but he didn't mind. He was here and did not appear to be avoiding him any more. 

It was late in the evening when Kyle opened his eyes. He was alone in the bed and the room was dark. Sitting up, he saw that the door was open and he went searching.

The flat was quiet and he could hear someone near the kitchen making noise. Going toward it, he found Dan spreading jam on toast.

Dan looked up and saw Kyle there, jumping and dropping the knife in the process. It landed on the floor with a loud echo throughout the flat. "Fuck."

"Sorry." Kyle walked closer and watched as Dan bent to pick up the knife.

Dan felt a rush of blood through him and he swayed at the sudden movement standing back up. It had been happening since he had been hold out in his room and he was fairly certain it had to do with his toast-only diet as of late.

"Whoa." Kyle rushed toward him and put his hands on his arms to steady him. "You alright?"

"Yes." Dan closed his eyes and felt everything settle. It normally only took a few seconds and then he felt better. "I stood up too quickly."

"You sure?" Kyle kept his hands on him and searched his face. Dan looked fine but after the last health scare and him hiding away from everyone, he couldn't help but worry. Squeezing his arms, Kyle thought maybe they seemed a bit thin. "You been eating?"

"Is this why you came here? To ask me a million questions?" Dan turned away from him and threw the knife in the sink. It made a louder noise than when it hit the floor, but he didn't care. He wanted to eat his toast and go back to his room. "I don't need a keeper."

"Fine." Kyle raised his hands in surrender. "I'm just worried about you."

"I'm fine." Dan bit into his toast and found that it had little flavour. It was about all he could bring himself to eat lately so it would have to do. After a few more bites, and ignoring Kyle watching him eat, Dan asked, "Do you want anything? I don't have much, maybe cereal, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you snacked on something."

"No. I"m good." Kyle wanted to ask more questions about the food situation but after Dan shouting at him for asking too many questions, he swallowed them. "What is next?"

"Normally, I would go back to my room and stare at the keyboard for a few more hours." Dan finished his toast and started toward the bedroom before stopping. "Let's go do something."

Walking down the streets of late night London, Dan took in a few deep breaths and let the air enter his lungs. He hadn't been outside in about nine days, ever since he returned from his parents' house. His mother was home and really was well, but it was hard seeing her knowing. He wanted to tell her about Kyle but he also didn't know how to start that conversation.

He never really spoke about relationships with his parents. They knew it embarrassed him and they no longer asked him if he was seeing anyone. If they knew he leaned toward men, it was never mentioned.

Unless he really needed to, he didn't know if he was ever going to tell them.

"You are breathing weird." Kyle and Dan were now walking through a park, with only a few people near where they were. "You sure you are okay?"

"Yes." Dan found a bench and sat on it. Kyle joined him and took Dan's hand to rest on his lap. "Doctor said that there is no sign of infection and my organs are all working right. He was a bit concerned about my weight. I'm underweight for my height. Never thought I would hear that ever."

"Doctors are always trying to fatten me up." Kyle tapped his stomach and laughed. "Never takes."

"I hate you." Dan laughed with him and then looked around the open area. It was nice out here, with the weather relatively decent for the time of year. "What I would have gave to have your metabolism a few years ago..."

"But you are healthy now." Kyle nudged his arm and watched as the happy mood left his face.

"Just no one ever tells you that you might lose the weight but you forever feel like that fat kid that doesn't belong." Dan let out a breath and realized what he said. "Sorry. I don't know why I said that. You don't want to hear this."

"No. I do." Kyle opened his hand to allow Dan to pull away if he wanted to. "I want to know everything you think about."

"No, you don't." Dan laughed louder as he shook his head. "Trust me. Don't open that box."

"Maybe over time, not all at once." Kyle bumped his arm again.

"Yeah?" Dan smiled down. "You thinking we will be together long enough."

"Yes." Kyle turned and kissed him. Kyle could feel the brush of Dan’s beard against his lips and against the hairs on his face. It was unusual and Kyle was finding it very erotic. He had kissed men before but it was in uni and none of them had facial hair. It made him feel like he was actually kissing a man.

Giving him one last kiss, he pulled back to share his observation. “I’ve never kissed someone with a beard before...it is nice.”

“You had me shave last time.” Dan found his hands were bunched up in Kyle’s hoody and he released some of the tension in his hands. Acting on impulse, he brushed his palm down the front of Kyle’s jeans and watched the surprise on Kyle’s face.

“Fuck.” Kyle’s eyes moved around the park before closing them and leaning his head against Dan’s. “A bit bold to be doing that out here.”

“I have done this in way worse places.” Dan kept his eyes on Kyle’s face as he increased the pressure against the swelling in Kyle’s jeans. Kissing Kyle’s cheek to his ear, Dan whispered, “I want to touch you. Can I touch you?”

“Um, please.” Kyle moved his head to find Dan’s lips and bit against Dan’s bottom lip as Dan pressed his palm down harder. Dan moaned and Kyle found his was quickly losing control of his reasoning. But there was enough blood still going to his brain to tell him that he wanted to be in private for whatever was to come next. Kissing the corner of Dan’s mouth, Kyle moved his hand to moved Dan’s away. Dan looked up as if he did something wrong and Kyle quickly said to ease his mind. “I want to do this on a bed. In private.”

“Okay.” Dan took his hand back and let out the breath he had been holding. Kyle wasn’t rejecting him, he was just changing their location. Dan was used to semi-private places in the middle of clubs or back alleys. Bedrooms were different. Bedrooms made him think of the man and the hopeless wreck of his experiences with women in uni. “I need alcohol for that.”

“Okay.” Kyle smiled towards him and took his hand as he stood. Closing his eyes to visualize something to allow him to walk better, Kyle found not much was coming to mind. “You are going to have to tell me about some dead cats or something because I cannot walk like this.”

Soon enough they were back in Dan’s room, it was late and no one was in any of the common areas.

Dan downed his drink fairly quickly and watched as Kyle took a long drink of the bottle in his hand. His was only half way gone, but Dan was growing impatient. Sitting down on the bed, Dan moved so that he was lying down on the bed and waited for Kyle to join him. There was someone else in his room and they were going to touch each other. Dan had never had anyone in his room before for that reason. Which thinking about it, made him realize again how messed up he was and wonder why Kyle would even want to me with him.

As if sensing that Dan was slipping into his thoughts, Kyle took one last drink and set the bottle next to Dan’s on the bedside table. Taking off his shoes and then his hoody, Kyle brushed back his hair and then joined Dan on the bed. Dan was still wearing his sweatshirt and his glasses. Kyle reached for the top of Dan’s zip of his sweatshirt and unzipped it while keeping eye contact with Dan. Dan was breathing a bit heavier than usual, but he appeared fine. When he reached the end of the zip, Kyle smiled and brushed back the two halves so he could see the dark t shirt Dan wore underneath it. Resting his hand on his stomach, Kyle leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss. “This okay?”

“No.” Dan breathed out against Kyle’s lips and then kissed him again, with his hand moving on top of Kyle’s to move it down lower. “I want it down here.”

Kyle swallowed and moved his fingers to the button on Dan’s jeans. “Can we take these off?”

Dan’s eyes went to Kyle’s long fingers and how they unbuttoned his jeans before moving the zip down. He wasn’t sure if he wanted them completely removed but open was enough for now. “Like that but not off.”

“Okay.” Kyle swallowed again and felt his heart beating in his throat. This was starting to go to new territory for him and he was nervous. Not only was he about to touch another man’s penis, it was Dan staring up at him. “Be mindful that I’m never done this before so I might be shit.”

“It is not rocket science.” Dan smiled despite his own nerves. The fact that Kyle even wanted to touch him there was still blowing his mind. The fever was gone so it couldn’t be explained with a fever dream. Kyle had sought him out after three weeks of Dan ignoring him, so it wasn’t just some quick whim that Kyle had decided on in the moment. Kyle wanted this. Kyle wanted him. That was too scary to think about so he focused his attention back on the fact that Kyle’s hand was now underneath his pants and touching him.

“Fuck, I forgot about the rings.” Dan closed his eyes at the sensation of the raised metal on Kyle’s long fingers touching him. He hadn’t had that sensation before and it was nice. Just having Kyle’s hand on him was nice and the rings were an added benefit.

“Want me to take them off?” Kyle paused and looked toward Dan who had his eyes closed and his head tilted back. He didn’t seem to mind them but he wanted to make sure. He knew they were doing something that Dan might not be 100% comfortable with and he didn’t want to misread any clues Dan was giving him.

“No.” Dan opened his eyes to find Kyle looking at him. Kyle was concentrating hard on him and it made Dan want to kiss him. “I quite like it.”

Kyle continued the slow up and down motions, pausing every now and then to check in with Dan’s face. He had his eyes closed again and appeared to be liking it. Dan was now full in his hand and he wanted to ask if he could see him, but it was also hot that he could see Dan’s pants move as his hand moved on Dan.

Dan found he was getting closer, with the grip on him just right to take things over the edge. Letting out a low moan, Dan opened his eyes and found Kyle watching him. He wanted to shy his eyes away because Kyle was looking at him so intensely and with such fascination at what he was doing. Kyle must have sensed he needed something and leaned down to kiss him. Dan opened his mouth and allowed Kyle’s tongue access, with Kyle moaning into his mouth. That was enough and he tensed as he raised his hips into the touch. Kyle’s hand and mouth continued to work him through it.

Kyle smiled as he pulled back and saw Dan lying still with a pleasant look on his face. He was fairly sure that he had never seen Dan look so content. “Was that okay?”

Dan hummed and nodded his head, Kyle was still making slow movements up and down his oversensitive cock. He felt floaty and he wanted it to last longer, but soon the pressure was too much and he had to open his eyes to tell Kyle to stop.

Kyle moved his hand out and found he had a new problem. Looking around, he found tissue and wiped his hand before turning back to Dan.

“That was nice.” Dan smiled up at Kyle and raised himself so he was sitting. Kissing Kyle’s cheek and then his mouth, Dan allowed his hand to move to Kyle’s cock. He was hard and he moaned when Dan touched him. “Can I do that to you?”

“Yes, please.” Kyle used his cleanest hand to grip around the back of Dan’s neck to hold him closer. Moving his hand up to his hair, Kyle felt Dan shudder at his touch and he knew he wasn’t going to last long. With his other hand, he unzipped his jeans and pushed them down a bit before moving Dan down so that Dan laid on top of him. The kiss broke for a minute and then both returned to each other’s lips.

Dan’s hands were trembling as he moved his hand underneath Kyle’s pants and took hold of his length. He was long and full and it was amazing. The other times with random men had always been rushed and Dan liked that he could take his time with him. He could allow himself to enjoy it. Even if his hand was trembling, there was no where they needed to be and no threat of any one interrupting them. He was safe to explore and do as he wanted. But what he really wanted he wasn’t sure if he was ready for. He wanted to feel Kyle in his mouth. That was something he never allowed himself to do...and something he never had done to him.

That required trust and someone willing to do that to him. He had not had that combination before.

Kyle let out a low moan and moved his hand to cover Dan’s yet over his pants, with his jeans open and low on his hips. He squeezed Dan hand to have him add more pressure and then let out a loud moan. He liked it a bit rougher and Dan was being too timid with him. As Dan’s hand gripped him tighter, Kyle bit his lip and felt himself release onto Dan’s hand.

Dan looked from Kyle’s face to his hand, with Dan stuck at looking at the dark hair leading into Kyle’s pants. His pants were down enough that he could see the top of his cock and he wanted to see more. Shifting around, he released Kyle’s cock and wiped his hand quickly against his shirt. After covering his head with his hood, Dan lowered his head to kiss at the skin showing on Kyle’s stomach and found that Kyle was warm underneath his lips. He continued to kiss down until he was at the band of his pants.

Kyle moved his hand away as he felt Dan move them and kiss along his stomach. If he hadn’t just came, that would have made him. Looking down, all he could see was Dan's hood moving further down closer to his dick. Kyle let out a needy sound. He was used to female heads down there but the sight of Dan was enough to make him want more. It made him wondered how Dan's mouth would feel on him. And if Dan would let him put his mouth on him. The hair from Dan’s beard brushing against his stomach only added to the thoughts of the difference between all other times he had someone kissing down his stomach.

Dan heard Kyle moaning above him and kissed back up his bare stomach to his covered chest and then sucked at his neck. Kyle’s jeans were still undone, as were Dan’s jeans. Dan’s shirt had moved up and he could feel Kyle’s stomach against his own. Both of Kyle’s hands pushed back the hood from his head and both hands were moving through his hair. He wasn’t sure where they were going with this but he knew if they kept it up, he would be hard again.

Kyle raised his hips to rub against Dan as Dan continued to suck on his neck, the hair of his beard scraping along his sensitive skin. Letting out a pant, Kyle dug his heels into the bed and raised his hips again. “Fuck, this is good.”

Dan bit at Kyle’s neck and whined as he felt Kyle moving his hips up against him. He could feel himself responding and he moved his hand down between them. Moving his pants down and then Kyle’s pants, he reached for both of them in his hand. Kyle was half hard and Dan was right there with him.

Kyle pulled back on Dan’s hair with both of his hands and looked toward Dan’s face. Dan looked about as wrecked as Kyle felt. Moving his hips up again, Kyle was surprised that he had recovered so quickly and he was hard again. Dan’s hand was just big enough to keep them together, with Dan hard against him.

Dan felt a low cry leave his mouth and it was too much to hold himself up so he dropped down to rest against Kyle. His head rested against the pillow underneath Kyle’s head with his face turned away from him. He focused on his hand moving against them and Kyle’s strong hands still on his head holding him near him. It was too much and he was whining as he felt himself tense again.

Dan’s hand stopped moving as his body tensed. Kyle could feel the wetness between them and he knew if he raised his hips a few more times, he would be right there with Dan. Digging his heels into the mattress, Kyle brushed himself against Dan’s hand and cock and closed his eyes tighter.

Dan felt Kyle release against him, creating more of a mess between them.

Kyle released his tight grip on Dan’s hair, and turned his head to kiss along the back of Dan’s head. He loved that they could share this now. He loved sex and he loved the feeling of lying with someone afterward. He only had a bit of experience with love but he knew this was love.

After what felt like hours, Dan raised his head to find Kyle’s head back and his eyes closed. “You awake?”

“Yes.” Kyle opened his eyes and felt shy at the way Dan was looking at him. Dan loved him.

“That was wicked. Like, fucking mad.” Dan smiled with his eyes moving down to Kyle’s neck. There were marks that were darkening against Kyle’s skin and he felt proud that he had created them. Marked him for the world to see. Or, at least for Dan to see. “I love you.”

“Same, mate.” Kyle moved and groaned at the drying stickiness between them. “As much as I love to bliss out in the aftermath of two very intense orgasms, we are a mess. And I cannot sleep with my pants sticking to me.”

“You don’t have clothes.” Dan felt his heart stop for a minute. “I don’t want you to leave.”

“I can wear yours.” Kyle laughed at the panic on Dan’s face. “I am not going anywhere. Couldn’t force me away if you tried.”

Dan found some clothes that would fit Kyle and turned away as Kyle cleaned himself.

Dan did the same and kept his eyes on the floor as he moved back to his bed. This felt weird, both because it was Kyle and because there was someone going to sleep in his bed with him. Someone that just made him come. Twice.

Kyle put on Dan’s shirt and turned to find Dan already in the bed and clearly worrying about something. Sitting down next to him, Kyle asked, “What is going through that head?”

Dan shrugged and pulled at Kyle’s arm, he felt like Kyle was going to leave and he wanted to make sure he stayed with him.

Kyle took the hint and laid back on the bed, with his head on Dan’s chest. He could feel Dan’s quick breaths underneath him and he waited for him to talk.

“I’m not used to this.” Dan looked around his room and wondered if his flatmates had heard them. “Like, I really like this but I don’t know what to do with it.”

“You are doing fine.” Kyle closed his eyes and felt the blissful feeling from before return. “This is new for me as well. I’m not used to being with a man like this and it just adds to the fact that it is you. I already loved you and now I get to be in love with you. And touch you. It is overwhelming.”

“Please don’t think that I don’t want this.” Dan took a second to slow his breathing. “If I freak out it is never because I don’t want this.”

“Same.” Kyle kissed Dan’s chest and felt himself falling asleep. “Sleep now, love.”

“Goodnight.” Dan looked down to Kyle on his chest, wearing his clothes, in his room, on his bed and stopped himself from overthinking this. At least tried to stop himself.

Kyle was breathing heavier indicating sleep and Dan focused on that sound as he lay awake staring at the ceiling. It was going to be another sleepless night.

"My goodness, he emerges in the daylight." Ian laughed as Dan walked into the kitchen. His laughter stopped when he saw Kyle walking behind him. "And he is not alone. Hello, mate."

"Hello." Kyle nodded and stayed closed behind Dan. He wanted to reach out and take his hand, but he didn't know what Dan was going to be comfortable with in front of his flatmate. It was already a grand statement that they were seen coming out of Dan's bedroom together. And Kyle was wearing Dan's clothes. "Been a minute."

"Yes." Ian confirmed and looked between Dan and Kyle. "So...working on music?"

"Not exactly." Dan opened the fridge and took out his milk. He reached for his cereal and two bowls and spoons. He hoped the cereal was okay, it had been open for about two weeks with no one eating it.

Kyle watched as Dan made their cereal and Ian stood in the kitchen eating his own breakfast. No one said anything after Dan handed him his bowl and they all ate stood together, Kyle close to Dan and Ian opposite them.

"This new?" Ian pointed his spoon between Dan and Kyle when he finished with his bowl.

"New." Dan took another bite of his cereal and found that it didn't taste too stale. He looked up briefly at Ian and then back to his cereal.

"A full kitchen!" Joey yawned excitedly. "Haven't had one of those in ages."

Joey opened his eyes wider and saw that Kyle was eating cereal in the kitchen. Dan had his eyes on his bowl and Ian was moving his spoon between Kyle and Dan, not so subtly indicating that Kyle was there. Or that Dan was up. Or both. "Did you stay the night?"

"Yes. He stayed the night. He slept in my bed. With me. Now he is in the kitchen eating my stale cereal with me." Dan looked up and spoke to both of his flatmates. His tone was even despite the speed of his heart. "We are going to the studio soon. Any more questions?"

"No." Joey shook his head and reached for his breakfast bars. Turning back the group, Joey cleared his throat. "Actually, I lied."

"Go on." Dan shifted his footing and took another bite.

Joey grinned as he looked at Ian. "Are you two...like together?"

"Yes." Dan finished his cereal and started cleaning his bowl, and the knife he threw in the sink the night before.

Joey processed the response and then asked. "And you are gay?"

Turning off the water as he held the now clean bowl, Dan kept his eyes on the bowl as he asked. "Does that matter?" 

"No, I supposed not." Joey took a bite of his breakfast and chewed thinking. "But were you always? Like, we just didn't pick up on it? Though that would explain the serious lack of birds-" 

Ian cut off Joey before he could embarrass himself more. "I think it is nice. Don't know how it is going to work with the band, but love is love and love is nice." 

Kyle smiled to Ian and then Joey before handing his bowl to Dan and wrapping his arm around his back before kissing his cheek.

"Damn." Ian shook his head as he saw the marks on Kyle's neck. He didn't know Dan was a biter. Handing his bowl to Dan, Ian smiled at the pair. "I get credit for this."

Mark was out of the city for a few days but Dan wanted to go to the studio. He needed to get over the writer's block and he figured a new location might help. It was a creative place, despite being a dark dungeon.

"Play me what you have." Kyle wheeled his chair next to Dan's in front of the board and bumped his foot against Dan's. "I will tell you if it needs to be binned."

"Fuck off." Dan kicked Kyle's foot and went to the last one he had been working on before becoming a hermit in his room. The music was playing with the various layers Dan had created and Kyle was bopping his head along. "So?"

"I like it." Kyle leaned forward and kissed Dan's cheek and then his lips. "Next."

And so it continued until Dan came to the end of what he had put down since he had returned and some of what he had messed with that had been recorded while they were on the road.

"It is good." Kyle moved Dan's chair so that they sat opposite one another. "There is more of this inside your brain, I'm sure of it."

"And if not?" Dan leaned forward so that they were closer.

"Then we put in applications for shitty jobs together." Kyle smiled and moved himself closer as well. Kissing Dan, he close the short distance between them and smiled into the kiss. He knew it was cheesy but he had missed him. And missed seeing Dan like this, being creative and in a good space.

Dan pulled Kyle up from the chair and pressed his body against Kyle's. Sitting in the chairs was not allowing them to be close enough. Kyle wrapped his arms around Dan's back and Dan moaned into Kyle's mouth before moving his head back. Resting his head against Kyle's and taking a few deeper breaths, Dan grinned at how nice this was. "I like this."

"Um?" Kyle swayed their bodies together and ignored the feeling in his chest, not wanting to sound like an idiot if he shared what he really wanted to say. Like he loved him and that he had never felt his way about anyone before. That he knew he loved Dan but that he never knew it would be this good. "Ever kissed in the studio?"

"Oh, yes. All the time." Dan laughed stepping back and moving his arm around. "This brings in all the ladies."

"Or lads?" Kyle ventured. Dan never spoke about being with men and it reminded him of the conversation with his flatmates from before. It didn't really matter to him, but Kyle wondered what Dan thought about with the topic of his sexuality. Kyle was beginning to embrace the term of fluid sexuality.

"The only lads I have been with in this space are ridiculously straight." Dan looked down to Kyle's chest. "Actually, this might be the first kiss this room has ever seen."

Kyle kissed him again just because he could. 

After a few minutes of kissing and wandering hands, Dan pushed Kyle away and asked. "Would it be massively insensitive if I stopped this so I could work on a song?" 

"I will take credit for being your muse." Kyle kissed Dan's nose and sat back in his chair from before. "Work away. I will sit here and give you inspiration." 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Sexual encounter from the past is described in this chapter. Consent is very loose and it basically turned into something Dan would not have consented to if he had known.

Kyle had nice hands. 

They were long and smooth yet strong and powerful. They were quick to move over the keys yet slow to move across his hips to lower themselves down toward his middle. 

And the fucking rings he wore...they were soon becoming somewhat of a fetish of his. Just the look of them made Dan remember how they felt on him. 

And that led to how Kyle could get him outside of his head. The other people he had been with had to work to get Dan outside of his head enough to enjoy it. A few never could get him off. 

But now, just watching Kyle play back the notes Dan just played on the keyword, Dan’s attention wavered and he could picture them on skin. How they held his dick the day before and slowly moved up and down until he couldn’t hold back anymore. 

And even how innocently Kyle would brush his hand along his arm, or thigh, or back while he spoke to him. Kyle was a very tactile person and touched everyone, but he seemed to linger a bit longer when he touched Dan. He had for years and now it seemed like it was intentional. 

Kyle liked him. Kyle loved him even. 

And he would never hurt him. 

That was why Dan knew it was a dream. The same hands that had been moving so elegantly across the keyboard were now pulling at his shirt and ripping it off of him. 

His body was clumsy and he was just drunk enough that he didn’t protest. 

Kyle was pushing him against the bed and it hurt. 

But it wasn't Kyle. Not really. 

It was just a dream...or a nightmare. 

Could it be a nightmare if it really happened? 

Dan felt drunk in his dream. 

This was why he went to the pub. 

This had been what he wanted. 

A man to touch him. 

A man to do to him what gay men did. 

His whole body yearned to be touched and loved by a man. 

So he drank three beers before he was dropped off three blocks from the pub. And, with his whole body trembling, he walked into the pub with the rainbow flag on the front window and he went straight to the bar to order a drink. 

His hands were still shaky as he drank his second one there, but by his third he had an older looking man sitting next to him and chatting with him. 

He had kind eyes and he was chatting with him about something stupid, as if he could sense that Dan was close to leaving if something did not distract him. 

The man bought him another drink without Dan knowing and soon it was easier to be in a gay pub. A man was distracting him and the alcohol was making all of his thoughts fuzzy enough that he did not have to focus on them. 

He came here to get laid and he felt like he could do it now. 

He wasn’t sure when the man asked him back to his place, but he had drove and Dan found himself in the man’s vehicle. 

Thomas. 

The man had said his name was Thomas and that he worked somewhere boring...Dan couldn't remember where he said but it sounded boring. Like the type of job Dan’s internships would likely lead to if he was lucky enough. 

Thomas had a modest sized flat toward the center of London. His job might be boring, but it apparently was going quite well for him to afford this place. 

Dan had not worn his glasses and his eyes were itching for him to remove the contacts. Dan had debated about glasses or contacts before he left his flat. Drinking always made his eyes itch but he wanted to look his best. 

And since he didn’t have much going for him, he decided to use all that he had. 

He was not used to his new weight and the slight amount of attention it gave him now. He just assumed that if someone was looking at him a bit longer it was because he had done something stupid. 

It shocked him each time when they would smile at him and say what their name was. He was not used to people talking to him. Not like that. 

Now he was in a man’s flat with soft music in the background and a man’s hand moving down his chest from behind. Thomas’ hand was moving down his chest from behind as Dan sat on his sofa. 

Thomas’ lips were on his neck and Dan closed his eyes to tell himself to enjoy it. This was what he had wanted and he needed to stay present to remember it.

He might not have enough courage to pursue this again. This had taken literal months to work himself up enough to get himself inside that pub. He had gone three other times within the last month but he couldn’t get himself to walk inside the doors. 

But Ralph had a girlfriend now. A proper, serious, grownup relationship and it hurt too much to see Ralph be so happy with someone else. Someone that was not him. Because while Ralph loved him as a friend, he did not share the same feelings Dan felt about him. 

To Dan, Ralph could do no wrong, but he couldn’t be around him anymore unless Dan sorted this out for himself. He wanted Ralph to be happy because he was massively in love with him and wanted the world for him. But to watch them sit on top of one another and have inside jokes between them, it made Dan’s heart die a little bit each time. 

He had told Ralph one night. It was when he had started losing the weight. He had been avoiding alcohol because of the calories and the fact that it was dehydrating. But Ralph talked him into drinking with him while they were watching a film on the television in the halls. 

With Dan not used to having alcohol in his system, and not used to alcohol at the weight he was at, the alcohol went straight to his head. Ralph touched his arm to get his attention and when Dan turned to look at him, with his intoxicated brain and courage that went with it, Dan blurted it out before he could stop himself. 

Ralph had smiled at him and told him he loved him back. They had said it to each other before. They had grown to be best mates since they first met, Dan an extremely shy, introverted first year walking into their shared room with his eyes down and jumping when Ralph greeted him with enthusiasm. 

“No.” The word seemed to linger on Dan’s drunk tongue as he leaned forward so that his face was close to Ralph’s. Ralph’s eyes were big and he looked confused. “I love you. Like I want to be with you forever. I want you to be happy forever. I want you..I want to kiss you. You are so fucking perfect and I want you to love me back. _Please_, say you love me back.” 

“Oh, Dan.” Ralph’s hands were on his chest and he was pressing him back. Fuck, this was not how this was supposed to go. Ralph was supposed to say it back and kiss him. 

At least that was what happened when he let himself daydream about it. 

And when he allowed himself to touch himself thinking about him. 

Ralph had went on about how Dan was a mate and he was not into men. Not even the slightest bit. But if he was, he would be into Dan. 

Dan knew the last bit was a lie. He was just trying to make him feel better because that was just the type of person Ralph was and always had been. Someone too good for this world. 

“Let’s go back to my room.” Thomas was kissing along his neck as he rubbed his hand down Dan’s chest. “We can be more comfortable there.” 

Dan was in his room and before he could say anything, Thomas was kissing him against the door frame. Thomas was slightly shorter than him but they were at a good height to be able to kiss. 

It felt nice to have a mouth on his, but Dan didn’t really feel anything for his man. He was just a means to an end. A way to finally get this part of life over with. 

And maybe stop his brain from picturing Ralph and his girlfriend being so happy all the damn time. 

Dan was on the bed, lying on his stomach. He was not sure how he got there, but his shirt was gone now. Dan was happy he was on his stomach and the man wouldn’t see the slightly loose skin and stretch marks. The internet said the skin might tighten over time but Dan wasn’t sure. 

The man was now pulling at his jeans and then he felt his pants go as well. Dan wasn’t sure if it was his drunken brain but the man’s actions felt a bit frantic. He wasn’t going to say anything because this was what he wanted. 

A distraction and an experience with a man. 

Thomas was kissing down his back and getting closer to his ass, with his knees on either sides of Dan’s legs. Dan was fairly certain that Thomas still had his clothes on. It was nice to have lips kissing down his back so he tried to focus on that instead. 

Dan was not hard. Maybe if the man...Thomas touched him he would get hard but Dan was still too much in his head. 

Thomas’ lips were at his ass and Dan felt him press against his hips with his hands. “Lift up a bit.” 

He did and now Thomas’ lips were in a place Dan had only seen other people do in porn. It was enough to get him outside his head a bit and he felt himself start to swell. 

But all too soon, he was rushed back into his head. 

Thomas’ lips were not on him anymore and there was a pressure trying to push inside him. 

In the porns, this was the part where the men having this done to them would moan in passion. It didn’t show the men reacting like it hurts. 

This fucking hurt. 

Dan closed his eyes tighter and told himself maybe it would pass. It was his first time, oh course it was going to hurt a little bit. The porn men just had it done before. 

It would get better soon. 

It didn’t. 

There was more pressure on him and Thomas was moaning behind him. “Fuck, you are tight.” 

It took awhile for his brain to coordinate his movement but he moved his hand back to push against the man’s side. “It hurts.” 

The man grabbed Dan’s hand at the wrist and twisted it against his back, pressing his weight into it. “You are fine. God, you are so tight. Relax into it.” 

Thomas pushed further into him and Dan was sure he must be bleeding because something felt like it tore and it hurt ten times more than it had. Thomas moaned above him. “Fuck”

Thankfully, Thomas came soon after that and he pulled himself out and released his wrist. 

It still hurt but Dan couldn’t feel Thomas’ weight pushing into him anymore. His ass felt raw and he wondered if the wetness was blood or come. Or worryingly both.

Fuck, had he worn a condom? 

Before he could obsess about it, Dan felt his clothes being thrown against his back. “Time to go now.” 

It hurt to move. Like seriously fucking hurt to even turn himself over to lift himself out of the bed. 

He put his shirt on first and smoothed it down before reaching for his pants and jeans. Just turning himself like that, he felt wetness moving out of him and he bit his lip so he wouldn’t cry. 

After what felt like ages, he was walking outside and in the direction he hoped his flat was. 

The air was cold and it make him shiver as the sweat on his skin from the effort it took to dress himself met the cold air. 

Hugging his arms against himself, Dan flinched at the soreness of his arm. It especially hurt at his wrist, where Thomas had pressed his weight against him, but his whole arm felt sore from being held in that position for too long. 

God, he felt stupid. So fucking stupid. 

And gross. 

With each step he took he could feel where Thomas had been. And it hurt. 

Stopping and closing his eyes, Dan took a few deep breaths and wondered where he was. Thomas had driven him and he was too drunk and nervous to pay attention. 

He was fully sober now. 

He wanted to sit down on the ground and cry but he knew that wasn’t going to help him. 

And it was going to hurt. 

Opening his eyes, he reached for his phone in his front pocket and shakenly found the number. 

Ralph’s place was small. It was ridiculously small, but it was just for him and his girlfriend so it was okay. 

Ralph had fallen in love with her and moved out to be with her. Dan still had the others in the flat, but it wasn’t the same without Ralph. 

Ralph had borrowed his girlfriend’s car to come and get him. Dan had waited for him, trying to stand as still as he could and not think about what had just happened. He tried to only think about the fact that Ralph was coming to get him. 

Ralph wasn’t in love with him but he loved him. 

Dan didn’t tell him on the phone why he was stranded in central London and couldn’t make his own way home, but Ralph said he would be there without questions asked. 

It was one of the many reasons Dan had fallen in love with him. 

He must have turned off his brain because he did not remember the car ride to Ralph’s place. Dan knew he had protested when Ralph asked him if he wanted to go home. 

Dan didn’t want to be alone right now.

Ralph’s girlfriend was working. She had a few odd jobs and tonight happened to be the night she had an overnight shift at one of them. Dan wasn’t sure which job and he was not thinking enough to ask. 

“Dan.” 

Dan heard his name from a distance and he turned toward the sound. They were in Ralph’s flat and Ralph was standing next to him, his hand close to him but not touching him. Had Ralph touched him? He might have. 

“Okay. Time to talk, what the hell is going on with you?” Ralph sounded worried. He looked worried. Dan must not be holding it together as much as he thought he was. 

Dan felt his breathing increase and he wanted a shower. Would Ralph let him shower there? Was that too weird? 

“Can I take a shower?” Dan’s voice shook as he spoke to the floor. “I just need to...and then...yeah.” 

“Hey, are you okay?” Ralph took a step closer and Dan closed his eyes. It would hurt too much to move away. All he could do was hide. 

“I need a shower.” Dan kept his eyes closed and was thankful that Ralph did not touch him. 

Ralph gave him clothes and did not say anything as Dan gingerly walked toward the shower. Ralph was the best person he knew. 

The water was hot and it hurt against his skin, but it wasn’t hot enough. Turning so his back had the water on it, Dan felt the hot water move down him and he cried out as it hit his ass. 

Using his arm that didn’t hurt, he wiped his fingers against his hole and almost passed out from the pain. Closing his eyes and leaning his head against the wall, Dan focused on his breathing and allowed the wave to pass. 

His hand had blood on it. And since he had touched himself, Dan felt like he might have opened up where he had been bleeding from. 

Closing his eyes again, Dan wandered back into the place he had been as he waited for Ralph to pick him up. Taking a deep breath, he opened himself and stood back underneath the water, praying that if the man came in him that he did not have any diseases. 

He didn’t feel the pain from the water. 

He dressed quickly. He ignored the fact that it was Ralph’s clothes. If it had been any other time, Dan would have took a minute to appreciate that he was wearing clothes that smelled like Ralph. Right now, it would just be too heartbreaking. 

Ralph was waiting for him on the sofa. He looked worried from what he could see. He took his contacts out after the shower and threw them away.

Ralph reached out his arm to have Dan sit next to him and Dan curled himself up against him. Ignoring the pain he felt, and the heartache he felt, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to breathe in Ralph. 

Dan fell asleep like that and in the morning, before Ralph’s girlfriend came home, Dan told him how stupid he had been. 

Ralph didn’t judge. 

He cried with Dan and hugged him tighter. 

And then he brought him to a clinic and waited with him while the doctor asked the most embarrassing questions. 

He went back with him six months later as well for the follow up tests. 

Ralph was too good to be human. 

Kyle was behind him in the bed. His hand was on Dan’s hip and moving toward his middle. Kyle’s long, strong hands that were nothing like the thick and hairy hands of Thomas, were moving underneath his pants. 

Dan closed his eyes and wandered into that place in his head. A place he went when it was too much. 

A place Thomas had taught him existed. 

Kyle was bare against his ass. Dan could feel how hard he was against his skin and how tight Kyle was squeezing him. But that was it. He couldn’t allow himself to feel anything else. 

Not right now with Thomas in his head. 

Kyle came against him and must have said something to him. Dan must have responded back because now Kyle was up and out of his bed. 

Kyle had stayed with him again. They had been in the studio yesterday. They had kissed and touched. They had came back to his flat and had dinner with his mates. Kyle had slept in his bed. 

It must be morning now. Kyle left to use the toilet. 

Dan rolled over in bed and found that Kyle had cleaned him, and pulled his pants back up. 

Dan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

Kyle left the door open and he could hear Ian and Joey talking about something in the common area. 

Getting out of bed, Dan put on Kyle’s hoody and threw on his shoes. 

He walked passed Ian and Joey without a word. 

He used the stairs to get downstairs, too impatient to wait for the lift. 

London was bright against his face. 

He started in the direction he wanted to go. 

He had no phone and no wallet. 

But he had a direction and a destination.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan was gone when Kyle came back from the toilet. He changed his clothes into the ones he wore the day before and searched for his hoody. When he did not find it, he took a sweatshirt from Dan's wardrobe. Zipping it up, he put his hands in the pockets and found a few crumbled up pieces of paper. 

They were lyrics. One was from a song Dan had shared with him. The others were various words put on paper that probably only made sense to Dan. One just had what Kyle assumed was phonetically written beats? Or maybe Dan had just been high off the fever when it wrote that one. 

"You lot are going to make me sick up." Joey smiled up as he was putting his shoes on near the door. "Seriously, might have to stab myself in the eye." 

"What?" Kyle looked around the room and didn't find Dan anywhere. Maybe he had went into the bathroom while he was in the room? Kyle did not believe the door was shut when he walked passed it to the kitchen. 

"First Dan leaves in the hoody you were wearing yesterday, and is clearly yours because I have never heard him listen to that band, and then you come out here wearing one of his sweatshirts? And the one that he always wears." Joey stood with both his shoes on and started on the zip to his jacket as he made a gagging noise. 

"He left?" Kyle asked confused. Dan's phone was still on the bedside table. 

"In a hurry or just lost in his own head." Ian spoke from near the sink as he washed his dish. "He didn't even respond to us when we said morning." 

"He didn't tell me he was leaving." Kyle wrapped his arms across his chest. Kyle was used to Dan being a bit absent minded and he understood that he was under a bit of stress given the next album and the response from his health scare, but he was disappointed that Dan was treating him like just a mate and not someone he was in a relationship with. "Did he say where he was going? He doesn't even have his phone." 

"He literally said nothing." Joey gave a half smile toward Kyle. "I'm sure he is fine. He likes to go for walks when he is stressed. He forgets his phone at times. He always comes back in one piece." 

"Yeah, I'm sure he is just clearing his head." Ian added putting away his dish and then turning to wave his goodbyes to Joey. "He will come back when he realizes he is without his phone...and probably his wallet. He was dressed in his joggers. You going to stay? I need to leave as well. Did he give you a key? That is probably too quick, right?" 

Kyle shook his head no and left the other questions unanswered. He needed to go back to his place and sort out new clothes and a shower. Dan would hopefully contact him when he was ready. 

"Good morning." Ralph's girlfriend answered the door with a smile that was too perky for the mood Dan was in but Dan smiled back because it was polite. She was not the same girlfriend that Ralph left the flat share for years ago, but it was the same flat Ralph had had for years. The new girlfriend had lived there for almost two years now. She redecorated and it felt more like people lived there now. She was good for Ralph and Dan liked her. "Ralph expecting you?"

"No." Dan shook his head and shifted his weight to his other foot. He should have texted him and told him he was coming. That was the respectable thing to do. Not just drop in on them like they had no life of their own. Dan reached for his phone in his pocket and found that he was not wearing his jeans and therefore had no phone because he had no pockets. "I'm sorry. I should have texted. It is rude for me to come here so early without word. I'll leave." 

"Are you okay?" Poppy stood back to allow Dan to enter. She would never turn away a mate of Ralph's, especially one that looked as hopeless as Dan looked stood at their door. "Come in. I demand it." 

"I'm fine." Dan nodded his head and found his feet. He had tied his shoes quickly and one was already coming undone. Much like his life at the moment. "Just haven't seen him in ages and thought I would pop in. I should have texted him. I feel like an idiot. Is he even here?" 

"He is in. Probably still asleep. He got in late last night. I would have stayed out with him but being an adult blows." Poppy was a musician as well and had her own band. The band was good but it was a side project. By day she worked in an office delivering mail to people that barely knew she existed. "Speaking of, I have to go soon. I'll wake him." 

"No, don't do that." Dan walked back out the door. "I'll catch him later." 

"Fucking, Christ, get your arse in here." Poppy gestured with her arm that Dan was to enter again and this time closed the door when he walked through. "Men, always have to tell them what to do. You lot are exhausting, let me tell you." 

Dan stayed near the door and hugged his arms across his chest while he debated if it would be okay to leave now. But then he remembered that Poppy was going to wake Ralph up just for him and that would be even ruder if he left since Ralph still had to wake up. 

Ralph was brushing his hair down with his hands and he looked hungover. Dan wondered if he had a gig last night or if it was just another party that Dan did not go to. He hadn't seen him since before they left months ago. He had been avoiding him. He still had an ache in his chest when he saw him, but it wasn't as bad as it had been before. He could now be in the same room as him without thinking about what might have been if Ralph had just loved him back. At least normally. 

"Why are you avoiding me and then waking me up at the ass crack of dawn?" Ralph smiled to him and then pulled him into a hug. He noticed Dan tense but he didn't say anything. He would wait until Poppy left for her job. 

"Shit. I need to go." Poppy kissed Ralph quickly on the cheek and then waved to Dan as she rushed out the door. "Fuck." 

"Such a lady that one." Ralph laughed and went into the kitchen for coffee. "Tea or coffee?" 

Dan did not want either of them but it was rude to refuse a beverage if it was offered. "Tea. With-" 

"Fuck off, wanker." Ralph smiled as he pulled out the milk. "I know how you like your tea. It has not been that long." 

"Thanks." Dan shifted back to his other foot and looked around the room while Ralph made their drinks. "I should have came 'round earlier. Sorry." 

"I thought you were coming to the party the other night." Ralph took the kettle off the hob and poured the water into Dan's mug. His own coffee was already in his mug as Poppy had made it. "Kyle was there. Said you were doing well but that he hadn't seen you neither." 

Dan bit the inside of cheek, just underneath his lip. "He say anything else?" 

"Not really. That you were likely busy working on the album. That you had loads of ideas and a bunch of songs half recorded." Ralph finished with Dan's tea and grabbed both mugs as he walked into the lounge. It was connected to the kitchen but separated by the sofa and chair in the room. Handing over Dan's mug, Ralph sat down on the sofa. "Sit, you are making me nervous." 

Dan held the warm mug in his hands and sat next to him. He had sat next to Ralph millions of times and yet he found himself nervous for no reason what so ever. Fucking feelings were all mixed up. 

"You going to talk or just sit there quietly hugging the mug?" Ralph took a sip of his coffee and waited. He was used to Dan taking his time to warm up to conversation. Especially with him for some reason. It took him four weeks of knowing Ralph before Dan started the conversation and did not wait for Ralph to say something first. After he confessed his love for him, it made a bit more sense why Dan needed extra time but that had been ages ago and they had worked through it. At least he thought they had. 

Ralph knew that Dan had been in hospital. He saw the videos of him going down in the audience, both on the news and through the multiple messages he received the next morning. He had the texts from Dan telling him he was okay. But now with Dan sitting on his sofa and acting like the scared first year that did not know how to talk to people after years of being best mates, Ralph wondered if Dan had just told him what he wanted to hear. "You okay, mate?" 

"I'm not sure." Dan felt that fluttery feeling in his chest and he closed his eyes. Thomas was still in his head and he wanted him gone. Ralph was the only person that knew about him. Kyle knew what Dan had told him, but Ralph knew everything. Ralph knew how much Thomas had hurt him and how Dan shutdown for months following that night. 

"Is it the infection?" Ralph set down his mug and turned toward Dan. Now that he had woken up more and was really looking at him, he saw that he was off. His beard was longer than he had seen it before and his eyes looked red. His hair was hidden underneath his hood, but from what he could see, it was a mess. Dan had yet to look at him, with his eyes down to the floor the whole time. "Did it come back?" 

Dan shook his head. He bit his cheek again and tasted blood. The infection was not back but the stupid thoughts were back. He wanted to tell Ralph. Ralph would understand. 

"Kyle and I...we are together." Dan kept his focus on the mug but he knew Ralph was smiling next to him. Ralph wanted him to be with someone and had been bugging him about it for ages. He was the only one that still asked him if he had met anyone. Everyone else just accepted the fact that Dan was destined to be hopelessly alone but Ralph wouldn't have it. Dan knew it had to do with Dan falling in love with Ralph and Ralph being gutted that he couldn't do anything to make that better. Ralph was a fucking saint and Dan was just happy that he even remotely cared about him. 

"That is amazing!" Ralph felt pride for Dan. This was major. Dan did not do relationships and always told him that he was too busy with music or touring to even bother himself with it. Ralph knew about the random men over the years that Dan had wanked off and then never spoke to them again. He knew how much of a hurdle being in a relationship was for Dan's self-esteem and past trauma. He had been there when the man broke Dan's faith in men that were interested in him. "Kyle did not say anything. Why didn't you tell me sooner?" 

"I dunno." Dan shrugged and wished Ralph would tone it down. It was going to hurt too much when he told Ralph he needed to break things off with Kyle. It was too much too soon and he couldn't do it. He was hiding in his head and that wasn't healthy. Kyle deserved better. "I need to end it." 

"What? Why?" Ralph smacked his arm and his tea spilled onto his hand. 

"He doesn't know." Dan wiped the tea onto his joggers and looked over briefly. He knew it was going to be there. He was disappointed. "I can't be with him. He doesn't know how messed up I am and he deserves better." 

"You are so infuriating." Ralph sat back further in the sofa and let out a breath. "Why don't you know how special you are and that you deserve to be loved?" 

Dan closed his eyes and told himself not to say it but it came out anyway. "Why couldn't you have just loved me back? I wouldn't have done what I did and I wouldn't be...like this." 

"Dan..." Ralph had the same tone in his voice as when Dan told him he loved him. Shock but mostly pity. 

"Fuck. That is unfair, I know." Dan's hands started to shake so he handed his mug to Ralph not knowing what else to do with it. He caught Ralph's eyes again and he couldn't look away. "Kyle touches me and I just...my brain goes back to that man and I go on autopilot. Like when I get too stressed on stage. I shouldn't do that with him. He deserves someone that can enjoy that without doing that. What if I do that and he goes too far? And then all I can think about is how he was just like him." 

"Dan..." Ralph looked down to the mug Dan handed him and put it near his own before turning back. "Does he know? Did you tell him?" 

"Some of it." Dan balled his hands into the ends of the hoody and curled his arms across his stomach. "He knows I was stupid one night and went home with someone I never should have gone home with. He knows it hurt...and that...I told him it hurt." 

"Did he say anything?" Ralph watched as Dan's face got redder and his breathing was getting quicker. "Did you talk about it?" 

Dan shook his head and closed his eyes. Maybe he could live in that spot inside his brain. It would be easier than this. 

"You need to talk this through with him." Ralph waited for Dan to even his breathing before he continued. "Kyle is a good man. He will listen to you. Tell him about dissociating and how you need him to be more mindful of that." 

"He shouldn't have to deal with this." Dan spoke down to his lap, his voice low. Kyle was just going to get fed up with him and it was going to end anyway. Might as well save everyone the heart ache and just get it over with. "It is going to end anyway. Best to do it before anyone gets hurt." 

"Did he tell you he loves you?" Ralph looked over and waited. Dan didn't answer him. "He did, didn't he? And you told him that you love him. You both are going to be hurt if you end it. Stop denying yourself love. I couldn't love you back the way you needed me to, but it sounds like Kyle can. Talk to him. Don't run from this. It will only haunt you." 

Dan took a deep breath and hugged himself tighter. 

"How is number two coming along?" Ralph decided to change the subject. 

"It should be you." Dan was in a dark place and he couldn't get out of it. "You are so much better than me. It should be you I'm asking these questions. You should be on tour and us supporting you. I don't even want this. You did."

"People like you. Get over it." Ralph laughed. They had this conversation multiple times over the years. Dan tried to bring him up with him but it just didn't take. Ralph was happy with what he had and knew that Dan was destined for the life he led. He was jealous at times but so happy for him at the same time. "You are allowed to be happy you know."

"Fuck." Dan turned to look at Ralph. "Can you text him? I just left. He went to the toilet and I just left. I just left." 

"Hey, it is okay." Ralph stood to get his phone. "Stay here. Don't leave on me. I'll be right back." 

Dan moved his legs up and put them underneath the hoody. It was Kyle's and he was stretching it out. He hoped he didn't mind. Laying his head on his knees, he pulled the hoody down to cover his face and wrapped his arms around his legs inside the soft fabric. 

He could hide for a little while longer.


	4. Chapter 4

Kyle opened the door to his flat and took a step back, allowing Dan to enter. Pulling him into a hug, he wrapped his hands around the back of his hood covered head and kissed his forehead. Kissing along the side of his head, Kyle rested Dan's head on his shoulder and waited. He thought he was going to tell him he was sorry or explain what happened. He was surprised with what Dan actually said.

"We should break this off." Dan betrayed his words by closing his eyes and pressing his head against Kyle's shoulder. He smelled good. He smelled like his flat or maybe just the laundry soap. Like citrus or maybe just lemons.

"Now, why would we do something like that?" Kyle kept Dan close, moving his hands down his back to rest against his waist. Dan was still wearing Kyle's hoody, yet he appeared to have gone home to dress as he now wore an old pair of jeans that were falling off his hips. "This is too good to end it now."

Dan took a deep breath to remember the smell and allow the feeling to sink in further. He was going to miss this part the most. Just being close to him. When they go back to being friends, he won't be able to do this with him. Even if it was just a friendly hug, Kyle would be too cross with him to allow it. He never had this with anyone else. Never allowed anyone to get this close. Yes, he would miss this the most. "I panicked."

"Imagine where you would be right now if you ended everything you panicked about." Kyle swayed them, wrapping his arms fully around Dan's back and underneath the hoody. He kept his hands above his shirt, but he wished he could touch his skin. Dan was becoming more open with skin contact and Kyle loved it. If Dan really wanted to end things, he wouldn't be stayed pressed against him like he was right now.

Kyle tested his theory and pulled at the shirt so he could have skin contact. Dan tensed only briefly and then sighed into his shoulder. "This okay?"

"This morning, when you did that, I wasn't really there." Dan lifted his hands from his sides and wrapped them around Kyle. He was wearing a thin shirt and he could easily move it up if he wanted. "I do that sometimes. I dunno. Ralph calls it dissociating. I just call it getting lost in my head. It helps...when I'm stressed. I do it on stage sometimes. Or when my mum starts talking about treatments and their outcomes. When the label tells me they don't like a song, or a concept. It is just a little break from reality. I go on autopilot."

"Have you done that before? With me?" Kyle kept them swaying slightly and even movements with his fingers up and down Dan's back to ease the conversation.

"No." Dan swallowed and lifted Kyle's shirt, mimicking the motions Kyle was doing on his back. Kyle's hands were nice on his skin, with the rings making him shiver if they touched certain spots on his back. He wanted to make Kyle feel the same way. Maybe he would miss this the most. The gentle yet strong touch of Kyle's hands on him and how Kyle felt underneath his own hands. "I've liked everything we have done. Just...maybe that was too much for now. Maybe we are going too fast."

"Okay." Kyle answered. He was okay going whatever pace Dan needed but he needed Dan to tell him what he was comfortable with because it appeared to change daily. "I need you to communicate more with me about it. I need to know if I'm pushing you toward something you cannot manage. I want all of you, but I can understand why you are freaking a bit. You have never done this with anyone before and it is scary. Please talk to me. I promise, you can tell me anything."

"That guy I told you about." Dan swallowed again and thought through what he wanted to say. "The older one...my first time. He hurt me. I...he tore something and...I bled...when he was...and then afterward. I felt so stupid. I told Ralph, but no one else. Until you. Ralph was nice. He took me to a clinic and sat with me when they asked me all sorts of embarrassing questions. The questions were so awful and made me feel like a massive idiot. I don't know if he used anything. I was too drunk and too much in shock to notice. I had to be tested. And then go back in six months for more. Ralph went back with me. I was lucky that I did not get anything from the man. Ralph helped me through it. I hated myself for even putting myself in that position. I stopped doing things. Couldn't sleep. Ralph was so kind about it. But he felt...I dunno. Guilty...I guess. Because..."

"You are in love with him." Kyle realized. It all made sense now.

Dan was a bit obsessed with Ralph and his band. Kyle figured it had to do with Ralph being his first best friend and encouraging him to pursue music. Ralph kidded that he brought Dan out of his shell. Considering how introverted and awkward Dan still was when Kyle met him, Dan must have been massively in that shell before Ralph. Ralph also told Kyle the story of walking past Dan's door in the halls and hearing a loud voice belting out lyrics. He had been shocked because Dan had not said anything about being into music, despite the fact he knew Ralph wrote and was building a band. Ralph pushed him into doing something with it and then when everyone started paying attention to them, Dan tried to promote Ralph's band as much as he could.

It would make sense that Dan was in love with him. His face lit up when he talked about him. The way he would look at him at parties and how Dan would look when Ralph would leave with his girlfriend. He was surprised that he didn't realize it sooner. He thought Dan just had a bit of hero worship for him because of the music and being the first best mate, but it made sense if it was more.

"I was. Massively in love with him. He was just everything I wanted to be. Confident and self-assured. He knew what he wanted in life and he went for it." Dan stopped moving his hands and just pulled Kyle closer. "It made it that much harder that he couldn't love me back. He was the first one to really make an effort to be my mate. He was the best person I knew but he couldn't love me back. And he got his girlfriend and moved houses. I was so gutted. I felt like I was slowly losing him. I told him. How I felt. But he just had pity in his voice. I stopped caring about anything. I just wanted someone to want me. It took me forever to get the courage to go to that pub. I drank before I even went and kept drinking there. He talked to me. He was nice to me. Then I was at his flat and he was touching me. I just wanted to get it out of the way and not be so lonely. I told him it hurt but I didn't tell him to stop. He held down my arm, behind my back. I was on my stomach when...I didn't think...I wasn't thinking. I was so stupid."

"He took advantage and hurt you." Kyle stopped the swaying and put his hands underneath Dan's jaw to raise his head up. "He shouldn't have done that. He was horrible. But that is on him, not you."

Dan turned his eyes down so that he was looking at Kyle's chest yet stayed near Kyle. "I'm afraid that I'm going to get lost in my head and you are going to go too far. I won't tell you to stop. And then I won't be able to be around you without thinking about you like I think about him. You said something this morning and I must have answered, but I don't know what you said...or what I said even. You were just there and moving against me. Then gone."

"So we will slow down." Kyle lowered his head to get Dan's eyes on him. "Seriously. I want you. I don't just want the physical part of it. I'm okay with what we have been doing or even slowing down more. Remember what I said? I don't care if you fuck it up. Or I fuck it up. We will deal with it when it happens. Just like this, by talking it through."

Dan nodded his head and moved to rest his head against Kyle's shoulder again. "I'm not still. At least not massively like I was. In love with Ralph, I mean. I think I will always love him. And be a bit in love with him. Just to put that out there."

"I think I will be a bit in love with the first person I fell for as well." Kyle started their bodies swaying again and wrapped his arms around Dan's back, this time outside of the hoody. "Doesn't diminish the fact that I love you."

"I told him. Ralph. That we...are together." Dan smiled against Kyle's shirt. "He was chuffed. Said it was amazing."

"He told me. In the text." Kyle kissed the top of Dan's head, over the hood. "Thanks for having him do that. Letting me know that you were okay. Ian and Joey say that you do that sometimes. Just leave like that."

"Just need to move sometimes." Dan moved his head back to look up at Kyle. "I get restless with nothing to do. But this morning, it was because I wanted to see Ralph and to avoid you. He told me to not end it with you. That it would just hurt us both. Me and you. Not him. Not Ralph."

"Then I will thank him." Kyle smiled down to him. "And thank him for being massively into women so I could have a chance with you. I wouldn't even be on your radar if he was into men, would I?"

"I would have still fancied you, but if I was with Ralph, I dunno." Dan closed his eyes. He had spent countless hours picturing what that would look like over the years. Especially in the beginning. Over time, it became harder to imagine because it was too painful to think about knowing it could never happen. "That was all I wanted before. For him to love me back. But I wouldn't have our band. I might have never met you. Maybe it worked out the way it was supposed to work out?"

"Maybe." Kyle's smile increased. He liked to think that it did. He wished Dan didn't have to go through so much heartache but he was glad that Ralph did not steal Dan away. Deciding to switch the subject, Kyle asked, "So what is the plan for the rest of our time home?"

"Label called me. I need to break the radio silence before we go back on the road." Dan stood back and hesitated before leaning back against him. He was being a bit needy but Kyle did not seem to mind. "The story is getting mad. People think I'm still in hospital. Or rehab. That I was lying about being back here and working on music. All sorts of things. Said I need to meet with BBC Radio 1. On web camera to prove that I'm telling the truth. Fuckers."

"This a group thing or a solo interview?" Kyle moved them back further into the apartment. Like Dan, he shared with a few other mates but they were all at their day jobs. Pulling him against him, he sat them both on the sofa. Dan curled up against his shoulder and wrapped his arm around Kyle's waist. Kyle covered Dan's arm with his own. "Can I crash it if it is a solo?"

"They said it just needed to be me at least. I don't know if I want to break into their holiday when we only have a few more days of it." Dan leaned in closer and reached for Kyle's hand to fidget with the bracelets on his wrist. "But if you don't come with me tomorrow, I will not like you anymore."

"What are boyfriends if not emotional support animals?" Kyle smiled into Dan's hood. They hadn't labeled themselves yet but it seemed fitting. If Dan was a female, he would be referring to her as a girlfriend by now.

"Is that what we are?" Dan's voice was soft. He hadn't really thought about it, but Kyle would be his boyfriend, right? He never had one of them before. Or an anything before. He wanted to panic about that but he didn't have the energy right now. Now he just wanted to focus on Kyle underneath him and the citrus smell. How Kyle's fingers were making patterns on his arm.

"I suppose." Kyle pulled back Dan's hood from behind with his free hand. "Is that okay?"

"Yes." Dan smiled looking down. Then, he closed his eyes and found Kyle's lips to give him a quick kiss."Fuck, this is cheesy. I feel all floaty over a stupid word. I've never had one before. Never had a girlfriend neither. That is pathetic to say out loud. Don't listen to me."

"I will be cheesy as well because I have never had one before neither." Kyle kissed him again, letting their lips linger against one another for a beat longer yet did not deepen it. "I'm pretty keen on it."

The label coordinated Dan, and Kyle, to go on The Radio 1 Breakfast Show the next morning. Dan stayed the night at Kyle's and spent some time with Kyle's flat mates before going to bed early. They slept wrapped up in one another but there was no extra skin touching. Or rubbing. 

Nick Grimshaw was a friendly radio host and Dan was glad he knew him from previous interviews. He was a bit upset that he needed to break his radio silence on such a massive platform, but it would get the word out and quickly. Plus, he would only be on video for the online listeners and that was helpful. He really did not want a big studio production in his face like a morning chat show would have done.

"If you are listening on the radio, I would get to a device for this one." Nick's smooth radio voice filled the headphones Dan was wearing as the song ended and they were on air. Dan looked toward Kyle and found he was looking back at him with his own headphones on. He could do this. Just needed to hit on some agreed upon points and talk about the new album. The tour they were heading back on and some upcoming bits and bobs.

Nick reassured Dan off air that they could keep it brief and on topic. He must have saw the fear behind Dan's eyes. Dan nodded his answered and was glad Kyle was with him. Relationship or not, he needed a familiar person around him.

"I'm honoured to be the first interview since last month's scare during their show. Dan, the frontman from Bastille collapsed into the audience during a song. Social media went mad following the incident, with Dan himself responding a few days following the event on his twitter account. Since then, no one has spoken with the band and there are some wicked rumours circulating. I think the weirdest one I saw was that Dan was in a rehab in North America with Miley Cyrus? We have Dan here with Kyle, half of Bastille, to chat about what happened and what to expect in the upcoming months. Welcome, Dan and Kyle! Good morning!"

"Good morning. Thank you for having us." Dan adjusted the headphones and kept his eyes on Nick and not the camera to his side. He fidgeted with the cord and heard Kyle thank Nick as well.

"I hate to ask, but I have to. Are you better now? You look fine."

"Yes. Probably the best I've been in literally years. Maybe ever." Dan looked to the camera briefly and then shied away from it. "I had an infection that went into my blood. Turns out, that is bad. I felt like I had the flu or something that day. Just a massive headache and like everything was off. I rested and got through sound check okay. I thought I could get through the show. I've have practice getting through anxiety attacks and illness so I didn't think...I really did not think that would happen, like ever. I feel so embarrassed that everyone had to watch it. I mean, not everyone because most people don't care, but the ones that did. I was dumb and watched some videos of that night. I looked awful. So scary to see myself like that. And then my body just shut down and I fainted. My blood pressure dropped because of everything and I just...I felt like...felt everything was shutting down. I'm so sorry that I did that to people. That people had to see it. Please don't watch them."

"I can't imagine what that must have felt like for you." Nick adjusted his mic and looked from Dan toward Kyle. Kyle's eyes were on Dan's and he looked like he was holding back something. "And, the rest of you on stage with him. He goes into the audience a lot, doesn't him? I would imagine that spikes your nerves but then to see him collapse like that? You must have been so worried." 

"It was surreal." Kyle turned his attention to Nick after a pause. He didn't realize the question was directed at him at first. Dan looked like he was dong okay but he had learned to mask his nerves. "We all knew he was poorly but we wanted to go on. And then we noticed he stopped singing and people, people were shouting. By the time I reached where he was, he was...there was a guy holding his head. Said he stopped the fall. But he still hit it and he was bleeding. Everything went, went quickly after that. People were asking questions and then we were in hospital. They couldn't tell us anything and told us to go home. We are on tour...there was no home. Finally they told us about the infection once we could prove power of something. Then, then they told us to go home again. Wouldn't even let us see him." 

"Wow." Nick's jaw dropped. "I would have been livid." 

"I was, but also in shock. We never practiced for that." Kyle looked toward Dan again to check in with him. Dan looked okay still. "They were giving him antibiotics and they worked. They released him but he was not cleared to fly home until a few days after that." 

"There was a picture I saw. You two with a group of ladies...in the same city it happened, right?" Nick looked back and forth between them. 

"Very nice group of ladies. They had been at the show and I apologized to them for giving them a scare." Dan broke eye contact with Nick and looked toward the cord in his hands. They were starting to tremble a bit and he fought the urge to squeeze them into fists. "They were really nice." 

"I'm sure they were worried about you, like all of us were. I saw it on the morning news here. And online, it was everywhere. People were concerned about you. But, infection is gone?" Nick said the last bit slowly.

"Yes. All gone. The hospital staff were amazing. It...not to freak anyone out more but I was bad off when I arrived there and they literally saved my life. They said it was sepsis, which means that it was in my blood and my organs were starting to shut down. They treated me and now I'm healthy. I promise everyone it was not drugs. I do not have a drug problem. No rehab. Nothing like that. Just run down from touring and had a cut on my hand where the infection got in. But it is gone." Dan looked up from the cord in his hand and toward Kyle before Nick. "We are working on new music. This break was already scheduled for that. We hope to get a new album out soon. And we have more touring. A few festivals getting booked. Back to normal life. Well, our normal life. Or life, I guess it is not normal." 

"You heard it from him here. Healthy and back to doing what you do best, music." Nick smiled toward them and the web camera. Turning back to Kyle, he asked. "Any major news with you? Let's not make this all about Dan." 

"Thank you for asking. I'm boring. Nothing new. No major health crisis." Kyle smiled back. "But, Dan shared some of what he is working on with me and I think people are going to love it." 

"Don't say that. What if they don't? You just lied to them." Dan teased, looking at Kyle. "What if it is all crap? If they hate it?" 

"You really are modest. I'm going to side with Kyle and say it is going to be well received." Nick laughed into the mic. "Do we have a date for new album?" 

"Soon." Both Dan and Kyle answered at the same time. 

"Okay. Soon." Nick laughed more. "A massive thank you for being here this early. I believe I can speak for all of our listeners when I say we are so happy you are healthy and there is new music coming...soon. Thank you, Dan. Thank you, Kyle." 

"Thank you for having us." Kyle responded and looked toward Dan. He wanted to stay something but he was holding back. "What is it?" 

"I don't want to be embarrassing but I want to thank everyone again for their concern." Dan found the web camera. "And, I'm trying to find out who the guy was that stopped my head from hitting the ground. Don't harass him because that is not nice, but if anyone knows his name, please message me. I need to thank him. Sorry for taking more time. Thank you." 

Nick switched to an advert and took off his headphones. "Thank you again. And truly, so happy you are well." 

"Thank you." Dan took off his headphones and stood to shake Nick's hand. "And thank you for having us. You are always kind to us and the band. We appreciate it." 

"I second that." Kyle shook his hand as well and then he left with Dan, leaving Nick to the rest of his show. 

They thanked a few of the radio crew and found their management team. They were a bit concerned that Dan mentioned the man in the interview, but they were happy Dan had shown everyone he was okay and that new music was still his focus. And more touring. 

And the band was back to reality. At least their skewed reality.


	5. Chapter 5

dan

**Family meeting for tour sendoff. Studio. 20.30 tomorrow. Us 4 only.**

William

**Food? We need food for a family meeting**

dan

**Food will be provided by me. And drinks.**

Wood

**Roger, captain. See you tomorrow.**

William

**See you then...good food?**

dan

**Requests, Sir William?**

Kyle

**Burritos man. Always burritos.**

William

**Gin man. Always gin.**

dan

**Done and done. Tomorrow sharp. **

Kyle

**Woop. Woop.**

Kyle

**Or is it whoop. Whoop? **

William

**Sounds good. See y'all tomorrow**

dan

**(: **

"Think they know?" Dan turned his head to the side to see Kyle also on his phone. Dan was lying with the back of his head on Kyle's chest and his legs bend and bare feet resting on the bed so they did not hang off the side. Kyle was lying the length of the bed and Dan sideways. They were at Kyle's flat, having alternated back and forth for the past few days. If they were not at one of the flats, they were in the studio. Kyle providing emotional support and Dan finalizing ideas and concepts for the album. 

The second album brought with it pressure, but Dan was managing at the moment. 

"Yes. I think they all suspect that our traditional tour send off, that we have every time before we leave after a break at home, means that we have a major announcement." Kyle tossed his phone to the side of the bed and brushed the tips of his fingers across Dan's forehead and then down his nose to trace around his mouth. Dan had shaved earlier that day and Kyle found he missed the beard, but he liked the smooth feel of Dan's skin as well. "Saw right through your ruse." 

"Fuck off." Dan kept eye contact as he slowly bit at the edge of Kyle's finger. He was aware that they only had limited hours alone before they would be on a bus or plane and surrounded by people. People they loved but still people. Their little bubble of time alone was going away and they might not get many more moments like this. They had slowed down on the sexual aspect of their relationship but found that they much preferred to be near one another.

And they constantly had their hands on the other. It was nice. 

Dan told Kyle when it was too much and Kyle opened up about issues he was thinking about. 

Kyle's main issue was how to tell the rest of the band. And eventually, the crew. He did not want to censor himself around them. He would respect what Dan was comfortable with, but he was a tactile man and he liked to touch. 

He loved to touch Dan. It was becoming one of his most favourite ways to spend his time. 

He learned Dan had a ticklish spot underneath his rib cage on the left side, but not the right side. He found this out during a make out session the night before, with Dan taking Kyle's hand and moving it underneath the front of his shirt. Dan had never done that before and Kyle was glad because now he knew a spot of weakness. Dan did a high pitch giggle slash squeak slash gasp until he turned a deep shade of red and he had tears in his eyes from laughing. It was fucking adorable. 

Kyle knew it was only a matter of time before Dan learned his tickle spot was the backside of his thighs. Once Dan found that out, he would have a maneuver to use against him. 

Dan bit down harder on the edge of Kyle's finger then kissed the same spot.

Kyle bit the inside of lip and watched as Dan then started to take the finger in his mouth. Dan started to suck on it and Kyle closed his eyes and stopped a moan. Dan was getting bolder and kept sucking on different parts of his body. His neck. His ears. His lips. And now, his finger. It was getting harder to not react. 

"Please stop." Kyle bit at his lip harder and then opened his eyes. His finger laid trapped in Dan's mouth as Dan processed his request. "I mean, I love it. Like, really, _really_ love it. But, it makes me think of other things and we agreed to slow down on that." 

Dan moved his hand up to take Kyle's in his own hand and moved it away from his mouth, so that it rested on his chest. The finger he had been sucking on was wet against his hand. Dan's chest was moving up and down a bit faster than usual. He wanted to know what it would be like to suck on more than just Kyle's finger, but maybe that was going out of the boundaries they set. The boundaries Dan had insisted on to keep present in the moment and not lost in his mind. "Sorry." 

"It is okay." Kyle closed his eyes briefly and thought about Donald Trump to get his erection to go away. He had been using him as the go to image since he started this with Dan. Normally The Don would kill it instantly but he was struggling tonight. He had not gotten off since the other day and that had ended in Dan running away from him. He wanted to respect the boundaries and he was going to will away any wants he had to keep Dan near. As they grew closer, it was getting harder and harder to keep his physical wants at bay. But, it was more important to be with Dan and allow more sexual moments to happen naturally over time. When he opened his eyes, Dan looked a bit lost looking back at him. "You with me?" 

"I've never done that." Dan turned a bit red yet he kept eye contact with Kyle. "With anyone. And no one has..." 

"Ever?" Kyle raised himself up so he was resting on his elbows, making Dan move with him. Dan sat up and stayed turned away from Kyle. Kyle shouldn't have said it with such shock but who goes that far in life without getting blown? He had a few, well, one, bad blow job before he finished his A Levels. Sitting up himself, he rested his head against the back of Dan's shoulders and tried to apologize. "I'm sorry I said it like that. Just surprised. Thought you had at least a few bad experiences over the years." 

"I told you what I have done. That is a very intimate thing to do. Allowing someone to take you in their mouth...or to take someone in your mouth." Dan picked at a loose string on Kyle's duvet and fought to kept his breathing under control. Damn his nerves and how they like to betray him at his most vulnerable moments. "Have you...obviously someone has done it to you....but....have you? Ever?"

"No." Kyle took a pause to think it through. He had never wanted to go further with any of the men he had kissed. Dan was different. He could picture himself with Dan in his mouth and Dan making that breathy moaning sound he did when Kyle did something especially right. Dan had been full in his hand and he knew he would fill up his mouth. He wanted to try it as soon as Dan gave him permission. "I think about how it would feel like...with you in my mouth. How you would taste...if it goes anything like my dreams, I would love it. One of my first fantasies about you was sucking you off while touching myself. That sounds so perv like but it is true. I imagined what you would taste like...both in my mouth and if you came. I didn't last long with that idea." 

Dan swallowed and found himself looking at a picture Kyle had on the wall. It was of the band after their first official gig together. They all had their arms around each other's shoulders. Dan's hair was obnoxious and he was smiling down to his feet. Too embarrassed to look at the camera. Kyle was looking at him. Both Will and Woody had massive grins on their face, but Kyle was smiling toward Dan. How long had Kyle loved him? That picture was taken ages ago. 

"I want to try." Dan let out the breath he had been holding and turned so he could look at Kyle. Kyle sat behind him on the bed, raising his head up off Dan's back at the movement. "Could we?" 

"Yes. If, if you think...well if you, you could, could...fuck, if you could, could...could stay with me, me. And, and..." Kyle couldn't get the words out and he was glad that Dan knew him as well as he did. The stutter was something he struggled with when there was too much pressure or when he was elevated. Or extremely excited.

Dan turned on the bed so it was easier to see Kyle and touch Kyle. Resting his hand on Kyle's chest, Dan explored what they could do. "Maybe have a safe word? Or a reverse safe word. Something outlandish to say so you know I'm still with you. It would be a...an anti stop word? A go word? An, 'I'm still with you' word?" 

"If, if you want...I, I, I want." Kyle closed his eyes and focused on the words he wanted to say before opening them. "Do you want to suck me? Or can I suck, suck you?" 

Dan wanted both. He wanted to know what Kyle tasted like. What it would feel like to have a hard cock in his mouth. Would it be like he imagined?

But he also wanted to know what it would feel like with Kyle's full lips on him...how warm Kyle's mouth would be on him. Porn made it look amazing. Every bloke he had ever known spoke highly of it. 

For now, Dan wanted to stay in control so he decided that he would want Kyle in his mouth. "Can I suck you? I'm going to be horrible at it, but I want to try. Can I try?" 

"Fuck, yes." Kyle moaned at the thought. Dan had his hand moving down his chest to rest against his tented joggers. They were old and thin and left little to the imagination. Dan's hand felt amazing. He could only imagine what his mouth would feel like on him. "Just don't bite it off and it will be amazing. Bloody amazing. I, I promise." 

Kyle wanted it. He wanted him. He loved him.

Kyle was safe. Kyle loved him. 

He was going to be rubbish but Kyle wanted him to try.

Dan felt his heart beating a bit faster and he knew soon he could say he knew what Kyle tasted like. 

"Lie down." Dan's hand shook over the tented joggers. He kept repeating in his head: Kyle wanted him. He wanted this. 

Kyle leaned forward to give Dan a quick kiss before following his directions. Lying back on the bed, he fixed the pillow underneath his head and focused on his breathing. He didn't know how long he was going to last. Dan sucking him off had been a fantasy for many, many months. He knew the real thing was far going to exceed his dreams. 

Dan moved further down the bed so he could lie on his stomach between the v of Kyle's legs. Kyle's cloth covered erection was right in front of his face. He had never been this close to it before. All he needed to do was lower the joggers and he would see all of Kyle. Right there. Dan wanted this. He wanted Kyle. Kyle wanted him to do this. He could do this. He could. 

Learning forward, Dan kissed along the raised fabric and found Kyle began whimpering, his voice filling the room. Kyle's flat mates were still out. At least he hoped they were still out. 

"Fuck." Kyle squinted his eyes tighter together and fought the urge to pull down his joggers himself. He wanted Dan to go at his own pace and he was willing to grin and bear it until Dan was comfortable moving the fabric on his own. The feel of Dan's lips on him over the joggers made him even harder. He was not going to last long. 

"Anatidaephobia." Dan said as he pulled at the band around Kyle's waist, moving his joggers down with his pants. Kyle was right there. Dan's face right near him. Kyle's cock was full and red, resting against his lower stomach. There was hair framing his penis but it was trimmed and much neater than Dan imagined his own pubic hair was. He got lost for a minute wondering if he was expected to keep a routine with his pubic hair until Kyle's laughter brought him out of his head. "What?" 

Kyle was never not amazed with Dan. He could feel his quick breaths against his erection and see the wonder on Dan's face yet all he could do was laugh. What did he just say? "What the fuck word is that?" 

"It is a phobia." Dan forced his attention away from Kyle's cock to his face. Kyle looked cuffed. Beaming with happiness. Yet there was a blush raising up from his neck as well. Kyle wanted this. He wanted this. "An odd phobia, but a phobia about ducks watching you." 

"God, you are..." Kyle let out a short laugh and then moaned as he felt Dan's lips over the head of his erection. And just like that, he was losing his mind.

Dan was tentative and giving short licks with his tongue and then sucking on the head. Kyle just needed a few more seconds and he would be coming down Dan's throat. Fuck, he moaned at that thought and opened his eyes to look at Dan. That was a mistake. Dan's face showed he was concentrating on his task. Dan's eyes closed and his lips were around him. On him. Dan's hand on his stomach pressing him down onto the bed. He wasn't sure where the other one was, but Kyle's own hands were at his sides and gripping the bed. Kyle couldn't watch any longer without doing something stupid like coming so soon. 

Dan closed his eyes and concentrated on what he was doing. He was present and going through the five senses to ground him. 

He could hear the breathy moans and whimpers of Kyle. That was nice. 

He could smell the sweet musk of Kyle. Oddly arousing. 

He could feel the velvet smoothness of Kyle's cock in his mouth as well as the soft skin on his stomach. Maybe the best feeling ever. 

He could see Kyle's head back and his throat offered to him each time he gathered the courage to open his eyes and peek. It was a good angle for Kyle. 

And best of all, he could taste Kyle in his mouth. 

He tasted amazing. Just like he imagined. 

Kyle dug his heels into the bed and let out a loud cry as he came in Dan's mouth. He wanted to warn him and tell him to move, but Dan had gone down further. Apparently a bit too far because he gagged for a second and let out a vibration from his mouth that went straight to Kyle's cock. He was done for as soon as that happened. He felt a wave of love and adoration for Dan rush through him. 

Dan felt Kyle coming into his mouth and he dug his fingers into Kyle's thighs. God, that was amazing. He was surprised when it happened because he was still trying to recover from trying to take in too much at once. The taste wasn't as bad as Dan thought it was going to be. The moans and movement in his mouth were enough to distract him from freaking at how he now knew how Kyle tasted. 

"Sorry. Sorry." Kyle felt his chest moving up and down as he swam through the sweet chemicals in his brain. He loved sex and sex with Dan was becoming the best he ever had. Dan's mouth as still on him yet he was not moving. He hoped Dan had not checked out on him. "Dan? Talk to me." 

"Fucking wicked." Dan let Kyle move across his tongue and fall against his stomach. Kyle was still red but he wasn't as full as before.

Because Dan had sucked him off and Kyle had came in his mouth.

Kyle had came in his mouth.

He knew what Kyle tasted like in his mouth.

He knew what it tasted like when Kyle came.

Fuck, he had sucked Kyle off. 

The pull was there to go deeper into his head but he fought it off.

Kyle was happy and he was happy.

He was safe. No one was going to harm him. 

He wanted this. Kyle wanted this. 

He knew what Kyle tasted like on his tongue. 

Kyle smiled up toward the ceiling and closed his eyes. Dan had sucked him off and he had a swarm of really good chemicals rushing through his brain. He was elated and tired. He could sleep. Sleep with Dan resting his head near his penis and breathing sweet breaths against him. He needed to make sure that Dan was still present with him. "You with me? Say your duck phobia word." 

"Anatidaephobia." Dan smiled against Kyle's stomach. He knew what he tasted like. "Anatidaephobia." 

"You are amazing." Kyle brushed his hands through Dan's hair, with Kyle happy that Dan was not hiding behind a hood and he could touch his scalp. Keeping his fingers brushing through his head toward the shortest hairs in the back, Kyle's smile increased. Dan was melting into putty and Kyle loved it. He wanted to return the favor to Dan but he felt he couldn't coordinate his movements. He felt a bit drugged and that he could sleep. "Nap time? Sleep in my arms and never leave me." 

"Never." Dan kissed along Kyle's stomach as he moved himself up closer to his face. He kissed his favourite spot on his neck and then a quick kiss near his mouth before curling up against him. His knee was near Kyle's penis. That had been in his mouth. Kyle pulled the duvet over them as Dan reached across Kyle's chest and hugged him tight. Kyle still had a shirt on but his bottom half was bare. The part that had been in his mouth. He knew what Kyle tasted like. Kyle had been in his mouth. 

"Dan?" Kyle interrupted Dan ruminating on what just happened. Dan did not respond right away but pressed his head down harder against Kyle's neck. "Dan? Come on, talk to me. Say your duck word again." 

"I'm okay." Dan smiled as he realized that he really was okay. He had done that and stayed aware the whole time. He could stay aware with Kyle. Kyle who loved him and wanted him to be safe. "Anatidaephobia. It is really the fear that somewhere in the world, there is a duck watching you." 

"You are so nutty." Kyle laughed. He was still riding his high and loved that he didn't have to worry about Dan getting lost in his head or running away because of what they just did. Maybe he could even do that to Dan soon and it would be okay. Shit, he forgot about Dan. "Hey, did you? I got so wrapped up in how amazing that was for me, I forgot that maybe you might want to come as well." 

"No, I didn't." Dan sighed into the warm skin on Kyle's neck. He didn't need to come to enjoy that. "But I'm good. I like it just the way it was." 

"You sure?" Kyle wrapped his arm tighter around Dan's back and held him a bit closer. "I'm knackered after that, but I could help you." 

"Sleep." Dan closed his eyes tighter and went back to what just happened. "It is late. We have a big day tomorrow and then the day after that, this magical little bubble of us gets popped. Sleep now." 

Kyle fell asleep soon afterward but Dan stayed awake for a few more minutes. 

Kyle had been inside his mouth. 

He knew what Kyle tasted like.

Sleep found Dan a little while later and he slept hard. 

The food was gone and the gin tasted good following the meal. Everyone was lounging around and content to just be in the same space again. They needed their time apart from one another but they were truly mates and got along well. 

Kyle stopped himself four times already from moving closer to Dan out of habit. He wanted to sit near him and pull him closer as they spoke about the next venues and some of the travel arrangements. Management had sent over a list of issues that Dan had addressed with everyone. 

Dan showed the band some of the new material he had been working on.

He looked toward Kyle when he played the song they had been working on together but needed to take a break from because they couldn't stop touching one another. And kissing one another. They got so lost in touching each other that they decided to abandon the song as it was and Dan had yet to go back to it. 

"All good stuff." Woody nodded his head along to the beat. "I hope you realize that I have to play some of these live, so don't add in too many beats. We only have so many hands between us to play this." 

"I'm keeping you in mind this time." Dan smiled toward him. A few of the first songs he wrote were made without thought that they would be played with a live drummer. They were not meant to go anywhere beside his laptop. He might have gotten a bit carried away laying sounds when he and Mark worked on the first album as well. "Might have you record some live drums to fill in some of the sound. That is later though. I thought I would have more by now but...I had a bit of writer's block as it were." 

"It will happen when it happens." Will poured himself another drink and smiled. He was starting to get bored at home and he was happy to be around his mates again. And get back out on the road. He had the best job and he was grateful everyday they got to continue with this. "Creativity does not have a set timeline." 

"They will be happy when they get the final album." Kyle nodded and took a drink. He looked toward Dan and found he was still sitting with his back to the group. He got nervous sharing new songs and Kyle also knew he was nervous about the other bit of information they needed to share before they went back on tour. "Listen, there is something else we need to talk about." 

Will and Woody looked over to Kyle but Dan stayed with his back to everyone. 

Dan felt his hands trembling a bit but it was manageable. They must know what they were going to say. They had strong opinions about it before...Woody had strong opinions about it before but he wasn't sure if Will had said anything. Taking a breath, he turned in his chair and looked toward Will. He was grinning. Maybe from the gin but he also seemed to know something. 

"You two are together, right?" Will grinned between them both. He knew it was only a matter of time before they both realized they were into one another and that the other was into them. They were so naive at times. When he saw them kissing at the end of the last tour, he knew they were finally starting to realize. "Been shacking up with one another?" 

"How did you know?" Kyle found his voice first. He was looking toward Will but he could see Dan in his peripheral vision. Dan seemed okay so he focused back on Will. 

"I'm a wise old man trapped in this young man's body." Will raised his gin glass up. "I knew it since Dan became obsessed with you and kept asking you to join the band. Little fucker kept making eyes every time he saw you. I think you told him you would think about it once and he literally was beaming. Yeah, he was asking other people but he wanted you. I never asked, is there a story there?" 

"I...I knew him. I lied. Before, when, I said I didn't. From uni. I knew him from university. A bit. He didn't...he didn't remember me." Dan spoke toward his shoes and felt everyone's eyes on him. He shouldn't have opened his box. Dammit. "I liked him." 

"Oh." Woody broke his silence. Dan didn't have to say more but he figured he knew why Dan knew Kyle but Kyle did not know Dan. Dan was insecure about a lot of things but his weight issue was something he rarely spoke about. Woody had been shocked when he heard Dan had been a lot bigger. Woody only knew him at the weight he was at now. "So, how will this work?" 

"Everything is actually the same." Kyle turned his eyes away from Dan. Dan's face was getting red and he seemed to be attempting to control himself. He had yet to look up but he would deal with that in a minute. First he need to tell everyone that it was not up for debate. "We are together and everything else is the same. We are not going to advertise it but we are not going to hide it from you. And maybe some of the crew once we get more comfortable with it. It is what it is." 

"Okay." Woody said. His eyes moved from Kyle to Dan. Moving closer to him, he put his hand on Dan's arm and waited for him to look up at him. Dan's head raised but his eyes were looking toward his chest, it was what he did when he wanted to show he was listening but eye contact was too much. "I'm happy for you both. You deserve to be happy. Honestly." 

"Thank you." Dan nodded and went back to looking at his shoes. Fuck, this place was too small for this. Why did they do this here? They should have went some place more public. But then there would be people. Fuck people. "I did the radio show. Kyle and I did the radio show. People know I'm not dying or in rehab. But the label keeps saying they are getting requests for more interviews. Fucking printed interviews with magazines...I'm not doing those. Like, ever. We need to be careful how we handle what we say about me collapsing and being in hospital. They say to be careful with it. Don't agree to solo interviews and the like, if they are about that. Do whatever you want, but don't talk about it." 

"Hey, never crossed our minds, right Wood?" Will felt left out and wheeled in closer as well. He smiled seeing how Kyle wrapped his arm around Dan's back and Dan instantly released all the tension in his back and relaxed into the touch. Woody had focused earlier on the negative aspects of Dan and Kyle being in a relationship but he overlooked how much it might help them keep going at this longer. Dan needed to relax or he would burn himself out. Will saw how Dan kept working even when he said he was not. The others could pursue outside interests because they had time. Dan never had time. 

"Thank you." Dan looked around the group briefly and then stayed looking at Kyle next to him. "Okay, let's stop all this sappy shit and go do something fun with one of our last free nights." 

Kyle kissed the top of Dan's head and then stood holding out his hand for him. Dan took it without thinking and smiled to himself.

He could do this. 

He was doing this. 


End file.
